Cries of a Perfectionist (Part 3): Unmasking the Roots of Unrealistic Standards

  • By: Sandra A. Aghaizu
perfectionist

In this week’s issue, we dive into the hidden causes of perfectionism, from childhood conditioning to societal pressure, and explore why so many of us tie our worth to what we achieve rather than who we are.

Dear Readers,

Have you ever found yourselves exhausted from trying to “get it all right”?
That quiet voice that says, “It’s not good enough yet… you’re not good enough yet,”… that’s the cry of a perfectionist. Over the past weeks, we’ve been unpacking what lies beneath that voice, its patterns, its pain, and how it shapes the way we live, love, and see ourselves.

A Brief Recap:

In Part 1, we defined perfectionism as a set of self-defeating thought patterns that drive us to chase unrealistic or unattainable goals.
In Part 2, we explored the difference between positive and negative perfectionism:
Negative perfectionists see mistakes as signs of unworthiness.
Positive perfectionists view mistakes as opportunities for learning and growth.
We also discussed how negative perfectionism can lead to procrastination, anxiety, and missed opportunities.

If you missed any of the previous parts, you can catch up in the links below:

🔹 Cries of a Perfectionist (Part 1)

🔹 Cries of a Perfectionist (Part 2)

This Week, we will examine the Causes of Negative Perfectionism

Below are some of the common origins that often shape perfectionistic tendencies:

  1. Excessive Praise
    Children who are excessively praised may grow up believing their worth depends on achievement. When the applause stops, so does their sense of value. Over time, this creates pressure to keep performing at a “perfect” level to feel loved or accepted.
  2. Excessive Criticism
    Children raised in critical environments often become adults who equate love with approval. They work tirelessly to prove they’re good enough, believing perfection will earn them acceptance.
  3. Childhood Trauma
    For many survivors of trauma, perfectionism becomes a survival mechanism, a way to regain control and avoid rejection. The desire to appear flawless masks deeper fears of not being enough.
  4. Perfectionist Parents
    When parents model perfectionism, constantly working, never resting, or nitpicking details, children internalize the message: “Everything must be perfect.”
    Likewise, overly controlling parents teach children to fear mistakes instead of learning from them.
  5. Not Being Taught That Mistakes Are Part of Life
    Many of us were never taught that mistakes are natural and necessary. We didn’t learn that errors are not signs of failure but stepping stones to growth and that real life happens somewhere between success and failure.
  6. Low Self-Esteem
    People with low self-esteem often chase perfection to feel worthy. Their achievements become a substitute for self-acceptance.
  7. Fear of Failure
    The fear of failing can make us overcompensate, obsessing over every detail and delaying action until something feels “flawless.” Ironically, this often leads to burnout or never finishing what we start.
  8. A Competitive Society
    We live in a culture that glorifies competition and comparison. The message is clear: if one is not the best, they’re invisible. This relentless pursuit of being “the best” feeds perfectionist tendencies.
  9. Media Influence
    Social media and advertising constantly bombard us with curated perfection — flawless skin, toned bodies, immaculate homes. Over time, these images warp our sense of normal, leading to dissatisfaction, body image issues, or even unhealthy coping habits.
  10. Genetics
    Research suggests some people may simply be wired to strive for perfection, a personality trait shaped partly by genetics.

Food for Thought
At the heart of perfectionism lies a fragile belief: “My worth depends on what I do, not who I am.”

Many perfectionists live in constant pursuit of approval, trying to please others, fearing disapproval, and forgetting that their value exists beyond performance.

Next Week
Join me for the finale of this series, where we would share practical tools and mindset shifts to manage or overcome negative perfectionism and finally find peace in progress, not perfection.

Until then, remember, you are enough, even when things are not perfect.

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